Day 22: A Reminder

Day 22: A Reminder

Capture Your Grief Project

 

Today I had one of those moments where the grief hit hard and out of the blue (I’ve had several people tell me that I would have times where this would happen, but up until now I’ve been able to keep my composure at work and in public settings, for the most part). I was at work this morning, and all of a sudden, from the other side of the cubicle came the sound of Brahm's Lullaby (as it turned out, one of the employees in the Early Childhood Education Dept was replacing the batteries on a toy). Immediately, I panicked. Insert knife in heart. Twist.  Repeat. 

This is the song they play at the hospital whenever babies are born. I remember being at the hospital for twice weekly monitoring in the month leading up to Virginia's birth thinking, "Someday soon, they'll be playing this for my baby." This song was never played when Virginia was born. As it turns out, the hospital administrators have decided that this special ritual is reserved for those babies who are born alive. Yet another part of this experience that we were deprived of.

I really struggled with regaining control of my emotions, but somehow, I managed to avoid going into a full-blown panic attack. I think part of that had to do with the fact that there was a coworker there with me who saw what was happening, and, God bless her, found the person in charge of the suspect toy and told him to please turn the music off. She took me into a quiet room, and I explained to her why hearing that song feels like a punch in the gut. Her response was that Virginia knew that I needed to hear it. We see signs all the time that she is still here with us, even if only in spirit. And today, she was there with me.