Pat & Ran : January 2014

First of all, thank you to those of you who have still been religiously checking the blog, and who have reached out to make sure we're ok. We are ok, I promise. But life with a baby has made for some really busy days, and long, sleepless nights. And anything that isn't absolutely necessary (i.e. showering, vacuuming my carpet, walking the dog) has gone by the wayside, and unfortunately, that includes the blog. We started a photo stream on my iPhone for family and friends to share photos of Cami as she grows, so that's temporarily taken the place of any other form of social media (which reminds me, if you know me in real life and haven't been invited to view the photo stream, shoot me an email and I'll make sure to include you). Anyway, all this to say, I apologize for my absence on here.

Being busy isn't the only culprit for my lack of blog posts. Having no free time is a huge hurdle, as anyone who has ever had a newborn knows. But I'm also stuck in this weird place of trying to reconcile what it's like to parent this beautiful, healthy, and happy baby, while also trying to keep the memory of Virginia alive. And some days, I feel like my attempts at reminding everyone that I have another daughter are futile. The holidays were particularly difficult. We told all our family and friends that we wanted to have a quiet holiday here in California, just the 3 of us. And the truth is, my hope in doing that was to seclude myself from anyone else's expectations of me this holiday season. It's so wonderful that we were able to celebrate Cami's first Christmas, and we had a fun time participating in all the holiday traditions (going to get a tree, cooking a nice Christmas Eve dinner, etc). I don't want anything to take away from how grateful we were to have a live child to celebrate Christmas with this year. But the holidays were, and will always be, a sad reminder of the fact that our family will forever be incomplete. Anytime occasion that allows the family to spend time together will always have a sad undertone for us. I anticipate that will become easier to deal with as the years pass. But this year was hard. I bounced between overwhelming feelings of happiness for this wonderful blessing we have in our lives, and complete and utter sadness because I know now how amazing it is to parent a living child; I know now what I was missing before. My heart still aches to experience all of that with Virginia. I don't know how to accept that I never will.

So much of the focus lately is on Cami. She is such a wanted, prayed for, and amazing little person. She has so much personality and is a perfect mix of her father and I. But she is not her sister, and she can't replace her sister. And every month when the 13th passes with fewer and fewer acknowledgements of Virginia's short life, I go through brief periods of depression. I don't know what to do with that. It's not anyone's fault, I realize it's both easier, simpler, and less awkward to focus on the baby that's here. But it's not that simple for me. So I've stayed away from the blog because my emotions have been so up and down lately, and I have wanted to avoid dealing with anyone else's expectations or judgement. Truth be told, I am still sad. Every single day I miss her. The empty hole in my heart is still very much present. One of my loss mom girlfriends said it best when she said that Cami's presence makes Virginia's absence that much more difficult.

What I've realized lately is that I'm not doing a great job at keeping all this bottled up. My avoidance of blogging for the purpose of not dealing with other's expectations is not serving me. So I hope you all don't mind if I continue using this blog as an outlet for my grief. I need an outlet, possibly now more than ever. I need a means for expressing the complexities of parenting after a loss. I need a medium for keeping Virginia's memory alive. I need my little quiet, peaceful corner of the internet where I can continue to remember my first child without any judgement.

Thank you all for allowing me that. And in return, here are a few pictures of Cami with Virginia's sock monkey that I've taken every month on the 13th. :)