Another Drive-By

I am all out-of-sorts this week. One of my coworkers is out ill, and I have taken on more work to make up for her absence. So needless to say, I'm working more than my usual 20 weekly hours. I know, I know, 3o hours a week. Big deal, right? But I have also had to take on the task of re-teaching myself Geometry this week, as one of the kids on my caseload needs extra help in that area. AHHHHH!!!! I feel like I'm in high school again! Thank God for my wonderful, amazing, incredible husband, who spent a good 2 hours of his time last night helping me re-learn some of this stuff.

Anyway, what I was getting to is that I apologize to all my friends and family if it seems like I've fallen off this week. I promise I am not ignoring you! As soon as I can get past the feeling that there are not enough hours in the day, I will take some time to return phone calls and emails that have been piling up over the last couple weeks.

I've found myself wondering a lot this week about how I'm going to add F/T school to this whole mix in the fall, if I can't even handle it right now. I predict that when the rubber meets the road, I'll fall back into the same patterns that were so familiar to me during my undergrad. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. When I start to get down on myself for feeling so overwhelmed, I love to flip to this passage in my bible:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
~Philippians 4:13

Until I can get my bearings, please go easy on me. :)

Blood is Thicker Than Water

I've been thinking a lot lately about the phrase, "Blood is thicker than water." This is one of those cliche sayings that we've grown up hearing our whole lives. But after experiencing what I have over the last almost 24 years, I'm not sure that I totally agree. Take, for example, the case of the child(ren) who are raised by a family friend of a drug-addicted, young, single mother. Although those kids are not her own, in a biological sense, that family friend is able to love and care for those kids in a way that their birth mother never could. Or the foster youth with no biological family to speak of, that ages out of the system and comes to know his church elders as his "real" family, even though there are no blood ties. There's even the case of the biological family who, despite being related to each other in the literal sense, becomes involved in such an intense conflict, that they end up disowning each other and never speaking again.

Family is a relative term (pardon the pun). Being a family doesn't always coincide with having unconditional love for each member, just as being unrelated doesn't always mean that the parties love each other any less. I believe that you can come to love another individual in the same way that you love a family member, regardless of whether you share blood or not. I have to believe this, because it's such a big part of my passion for my profession. And I choose to believe this, because otherwise, what hope is there for some of the kids that I work with? Just because Patrick & I have amazing families, whom we share a mutual understanding that revolves around love and respect, that doesn't mean that this is the norm for families in America today. In fact, I would venture to say that our "normal" family unit is actually going to become the minority by the end of our lifetimes, if not shortly thereafter. All the stress and chaos in our culture tend to contribute to conflict, and this conflict is often what tears families apart. Couple that with the amount of children who are currently in foster care (who generally have very slim chances of reunification with their biological family, or any family member for that matter), and the American family is headed in a new direction altogether.

My suggestion would be to amend the saying that we are all so familiar with:
Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than anything.
~Goldie Nash

Recovering from the meltdown

I met with a few good girlfriends for coffee on Monday,and I was explaining to them how everyone keeps telling me how amazingly calm I have been throughout this process. Many a time I have heard people say, "How are you not freaking out???!?!?!". In the last few weeks, I've at a loss for words for what to respond to this. I guess it's because, deep down, I know that things will be alright. But if I would have thought a year ago that I would be in this position now, I would have for sure predicted myself to be the picture of stress and anxiety. What I realized talking to my girlfriends was that I have not let myself get emotionally involved because then that would mean that all of this is really happening. Consciously, I am aware of that, yet there is still is a slight disconnect. It feels like I am talking about someone else when I explain my situation to people. My girlfriend, Dee, reminded me (after having recently lost her grandfather to cancer) that I might need to make this real in order to fully prepare myself for the reality that I could be facing. I refuse to become pessimistic, but I do need to be honest with myself. Agreed, Dee. As hard as that was, you'll never understand how grateful I am that you were brave enough to tell me exactly what I knew but didn't want to hear.

So after 3 frustrating days of dealing with phone call after phone call to doctor's offices and our insurance company (and still no closer to a diagnosis than I was 3 weeks ago), it finally happened. And let me tell you, it was not pretty. Poor Pat walked in the door from work, only to find my bawling my eyes out on the phone with my mom. I spent a good couple hours sobbing, and a couple more holed up in the bedroom reviewing some of my favorite bible passages. Then the lovely hubbs took me to a Sonic for a creamslush (one of my favorite treats), and I instantly felt much better.

It felt oddly liberating to get that out of my system. Quite frankly, the meltdown served as the swift kick in the ass that I needed to realize that I need to advocate for myself in order to get a diagnosis and treatment. And surprisingly enough, the UC Davis Cancer Center called first thing this morning to set up an appointment with an oncologist (who is FOR SURE in our network, I already checked). I will be seeing a doctor on May 7th for a consultation, and they will be scheduling the surgery for removal shortly thereafter. (The San Francisco specialist is completely out-of-the-question because he is not in PPO network, and the receptionist informed me yesterday that I would have to wait until early/mid summer to be seen. No thanks.)

Finally, we are making some headway!

Positive energy, prayers, thoughts, you know the drill... :)

We are bad pet parents...

Here is the video I was wanting to post. Just an example of what we do for fun during our downtime. The only difference is that we now have a video camera to document it. Our poor, poor kitty! Be sure to turn the volume up to get the full effect. :) And yes, our cat plays the air piano.

An Ultrasound Pic...

...and this is definitely not the kind of ultrasound picture I imagined to be carrying out of a doctor's office at this point in our marriage (if you catch my drift).

I went to see the surgeon for my post-op appointment yesterday, armed with a list of questions. I wanted to make sure we were pursuing the right avenues with the next doctor (i.e. determining FOR SURE whether these tumors are cancerous or not). He assured me that the doctor he is referring me to in San Francisco is a world-renowned orthopedic oncologist who specializes in dealing with sarcomas and other types of benign cysts. I voiced my concern over wanting to get this situation under control in the next five months, before grad school starts. He reminded me that my case is very rare (as many of the surgeons he consulted with had never heard of such a thing), and that it would be in my best interest to seek the best possible care for myself, regardless of the timeline.

Unfortunately, the best medical professional for dealing with my condition is not a preferred provider with our health insurance company, so now I'm in the midst of making phone call after phone call to my insurance company to try and obtain a pre-certification to be treated by an outside provider and therefore be covered at the higher level. Ugh.

In the meantime, here's a picture of my ultrasound.

The way the doctor explained it to us is that these tumors are going to be especially difficult to remove because of their placement below the muscle but on top of bone (my rib cage).

I can slowly feel the panic starting to set in. I've been fighting it for awhile, but I feel as if a meltdown is inevitable.

I still am encouraged by the fact that my doctor's speculation is that this is something benign and harmless. And I know that, whatever the following months may bring, with the grace of God, we will lean on our faith and get through this. I guess my anxiety stems from the fact that school starts in less than five months, and I was hoping to be done with this by that point. And don't even get me started about the financial aspect of this situation. Seeking the best possible care could cost us thousands and thousands of dollars (especially if our insurance decides to cover my treatment the outside provider level). I know, I know, you can't put a price on your health. But the fact of the matter is that obtaining the treatment I need could come at the cost of my continuing education. We absolutely cannot afford a huge hospital bill and grad school tuition. It's not even a possibility.

::Randi begins breathing into paper bag::

Keep those optimistic thoughts coming; I have a feeling we are really going to need them in the next few months.

A Drive-By

I don't have much time to write, since I'm working from home today. So I'm going to attempt to do what my fellow bloggers call drive-by posting. Just a few quick sentences with a longer update later.

My surgeon called this morning to let me know that, upon talking to some orthopedic surgeons at UC Davis, he has decided to refer me to a doctor at UC San Francisco. Apparently this doctor is one of the top drs in the world (yes, I said WORLD) for dealing with lumps and bumps of this nature. His specialization is orthopedic oncology. I'm really hoping that this doctor will be in our approved provider network, or that we can have the surgeon write a letter stating why I need to see this doctor so that our insurance will cover my care at the higher level.

::fingers crossed::

Big news, I mean HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am too excited to even attempt to come up with a witty lead-in to the 2 huge pieces of news that I have to share. So I'm just going to spit it out.

I got an official letter from Sac State yesterday congratulating me on my acceptance into the Social Work program!!!!!

::SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!::

Finally the waiting is OVER!!!!! It's such a huge relief to hear that, especially since the acceptance rate is already only 33% (and that's on a normal year; this year it was probably lower due to the fact that more people attempt to go back to school when the economy is struggling). Here's a picture of me with my acceptance letter. :)

We decided to go out to a nice dinner to celebrate. We're looking at 2 years of being absolutely broke, so that may be one of the last times we get to do that. We told our waitress that we were celebrating my acceptance into grad school, so she was kind enough to bring us this sundae:

But that's not all we were celebrating. I also found out today that I *probably* don't have cancer! My doctor called to give the lab results, and he told us that the fluid came back as having benign cells and a little bit of blood. But no cancer cells!!!! And he was fairly sure that if the tumors were indeed cancer, the cells would have shown up in the fluid. However, he is still referring me to another doctor (and orthopedic surgeon) to figure out how to go about removing the tumors so as to prevent this balloon from filling with liquid again. (**As a side note, words cannot express how grateful I am to be seeing another surgeon and NOT an oncologist!!!!!**) I will for sure have to have a fairly serious surgery for this, and the doctor indicated that I could be looking at months of physical therapy and potentially the loss of some mobility in the area, depending on where exactly these tumors are located (under muscle, cartilage, etc). But I will gladly take that anyday over the alternative!

Thanks so much to everyone who has been thinking and praying about us. Your positive energy has been nothing short of amazing!

Mmmmmm, Easter Dinner!

Happy (Late) Easter to everyone!!

Not much new to write about, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to show off the delicious Easter Dinner I made for us yesterday. I've never cooked a ham all by myself, let alone a huge feast. But I decided this year to make the attempt, so that I'll have plenty of practice for a few years from now, when we get to host a big holiday meal and have everyone over to our house. And surprise, surprise, everything actually turned out (minus a few small snafus).

On the menu this year:

Ham, rolls, green bean casserole, and deviled eggs. I also made lemon bars for dessert, but I didn't photograph them because, despite their yummy taste, I am still working on the presentation part.

I was also hoping to post a video we took last night of our cat dancing (ok, she doesn't really dance, but hubbs stands her on her back legs and makes her look like she's dancing), but I can't figure out how to hook this video camera up to the computer. I'll have my "computer guy" take a look at it tonight.

Happy Monday everyone!

All Hail the Mini Eggs!!!!

I love Easter, because this is the only time of the year that they sell Cadbury Mini Eggs!

I fully intend to stuff myself full of them in the next few days. If they weren't so dang expensive, I'd stockpile them to eat throughout the year. Yummmmmm.........

Positive Energy & A New Puppy

Wow, 2 posts in one day! My loyal fanbase is no doubt thrilled about the prospect of multiple blog entries in one day! (Don't get too used to it, this may be a fleeting phase). I must say, though, that I find this blogging thing to be very therapeutic in articulating my feelings about everything that's going on in my life.

Regarding the power of positive energy--
According to "The Secret", positive thoughts are 100X more powerful than negative ones. **As a side note, if you somehow haven't read this book because you've been living in a cave for the last couple years, click here . ** My boss is also a firm believer in the idea that, for every negative interaction, there should be two positive ones. Since this blog has taken on a rather negative twist over the last week or so, I decided I better rectify that by posting for the second time today about something else that makes me smile besides music videos: puppies!!!!!

I truly believe in the power of using animals as a therapeutic tool. Coincidentally, we had been invited down to my brother's house for a doggie party last weekend. Now I do not do very well at relaxing. Those who know me well know how much of a busybody I am. But following the advice of my doctor (and my mother) to "not overdo it", I finally felt ready to get out of the house and do something last weekend, after 3 full days of lounging on the couch. So we decided to take my brother up on his invitation to come down to his house for his dog's 35th birthday party (that's 5 human years, FYI). You can imagine our surprise when we walked into his house to find a new puppy that him and his girlfriend decided to get. Let me tell you, it was love at first sight!

I am proud to introduce, my new "nephew", Bear!

He's a Jack Russell, and he's only 6 weeks old, but he is the love of my life!!!

He's just like a baby (a human one, I mean). He gets into everything, isn't potty trained, and spends the majority of his time sleeping. In fact, Cody's girlfriend has taken to wrapping him up in a blanket or towel and swaddling him like a baby. One might find this to be weird, but I challenge you to think that after looking at these pics:

How can you NOT fall in love with this???

There was plenty of dog-friendly cake to be had by all dogs at this birthday party. But considering there were about 6 cupcakes plus one small cake to be eaten only 4 dogs (and one of them was Bear, who was fast asleep on the couch for most of the festivities), these dogs were no doubt feeling it the next day. I think Dodger was experiencing what my mom would call a "food hangover". Poor guy, it was evident to everyone that he was beyond full to the point of being uncomfortable. Even the next day, he still wasn't quite himself. But he was still sweet enough to pose for a pic with his favorite "Auntie".

And here's one more pic, just for good measure. (Please also take note that it was about 80 degrees that day, so we spent a good hour dangling our feeties in the pool before we hit the road to head back home. Sorry to my MT friends and family, I just had to rub that in a little.)

Nothing like a new puppy to make your day better.

'Til next time,

Finally, something NOT Lump-Related!!!!

In the rush of getting ready for work in the morning, hubbs and I like to sit down and watch a few minutes of tv together. It used to be the news, but since that's gotten so depressing lately, we've been watching music videos. Well it seems like all of a sudden, this video is on every time we turn CMT. It's "The Secret" in action (right Robyn???). I can't even tell you why, but I love this video (actually, I think the better term would be "obsessed"), despite feeling just mediocre about the song itself. Here's the link:

Taylor Swift "White Horse"

Enjoy!

Waiting...still.

And the news on the home front is..............
No news until next week.

Yup. That's right. More waiting.

I called the doctor's office this morning, expecting to get my lab results. What I got instead:
1. The lab results are not in.
2. My doctor is on vacation for the whole week.

Apparently it is the practice of my surgeon's office that the doctors themselves are the only ones allowed to deliver pathology reports, so as to prevent the patient from receiving inaccurate results or misinformation. Makes sense, if you think about it.

While there are a few people in my life who are upset at the prospect of being in limbo for another six days (and rightfully so), I really could care less. My take on it: it is what it is. The results aren't going to change whether we find out now or a week from now. Besides, I would rather speak directly with my doctor, who is familiar with my case and who can immediately make the proper referrals. I would actually prefer that option versus the alternative:
(This is the hypothetical situation that plays out in my head)
Nurse/Receptionist/Whoeverelsegivestestresults: "You have X (disease, condition)."
Me: "Okay, so what do we do now?"
Nurse: "I'm really don't know at this point. The doctor will determine that when he comes back from his vacation."
This situation is an example of one in which I might not be so patient. I would hate to hear the results without an immediate follow-up from my doctor regarding what to do next.

So there you go. Yet another lesson in patience that God must feel I need. One of my old friends emailed me the other day with a simple message of encouragement, reminding me that God never puts more on our plates that he knows we are capable of handling. Thanks for the reminder Brit. :)

F.R.O.Z.E.N.

What a productive day I had today! I preoccupied myself with all kinds of activities to keep my body (and brain) as busy as possible. I did about 6 loads of laundry, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, and mopped the kitchen floor. I'm almost embarrassed to say that we hadn't cleaned since before my family came 3 weekends ago! So it was a much needed, deep clean. All day long, I've had all this crazy drive to get things done. Only when I stopped to sit and relax did I realize that my Energizer Bunny go-getter attitude today is really just the result of nervous energy. The pit in my stomach confirms it.

My mom called today to ask if I had followed-up with the doctor about my test results. I was told to call the office either today or tomorrow. The excuse that I made to her, and to myself, was that I was too busy today and that if I didn't hear from them by the end of the day, I would for sure call tomorrow. I even picked up my phone to dial the numbers, but I completely froze.

Once Pat got home from work today, I came to the conclusion that I haven't called because I wanted to enjoy my last 24 hours of "freedom", so to speak. My life could potentially change drastically with these test results, and all I wanted was 24 more hours to live my regular life. One more day to go about business as usual. So we enjoyed a long walk after dinner, and we're now relaxing on the couch, getting ready for our favorite night of TV. And for now, I'm pretending that tomorrow is just another day, not the day that could change things forever.

Do not read this post if you are easily offended!!

**Disclaimer: This post is not intended to offend any of my family or friends who have been so wonderful and supportive over these last few days. It is simply my attempt at articulating some of the feelings I've been having lately. Please do not take it personally.**

There is one phrase I have come to detest hearing over the last 5 days: "I'm sorry."(or any different variations of that phrase). Who knew that such a seemingly genuine sentiment of support could morph into something that makes my stomach twist into knots?? I just want to scream from the rooftops, "I AM NOT DEAD!!!! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR!!!!!"

I realize that a certain amount of blame for my disgust falls on me, for providing details of my medical status so publicly on my blog, so for that, I take full responsibility. But my intent in doing so was to keep people in other locations "in the know" (which is about 90% of our friends and family). Believe it or not, telling the exact same story of the events which have conspired in the last four months, over and over, is nothing short of exhausting.

That being said, keep the positive energy comin'! I truly believe, that with the support of our family and friends and my faith in our Lord and Savior, we will truly have a positive outcome.

Psalm 37:7-9 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.

The Infamous Lump That's Taking Over My Life

I usually like to try and keep my posts light and optimistic. But I feel like I owe it to my faithful readers to be honest and upfront about an issue I have been dealing with lately. So I apologize in advance for the dreary tone of this post.

In November of last year, my doctor spotted a lump below my left shoulder blade. Judging by the size and texture of the bump. he diagnosed it as a lipoma (which is just a benign mass of fatty tissue). Here's a picture taken yesterday:

Because he was largely unconcerned about it, we decided to take the "wait and see" approach. In the following couple of months, hubbs and I noticed that the lump was growing and growing. Around the end of February, I decided to make an appointment with my dermatologist to get a second opinion. My dermatologist immediately decided that this medical issue was beyond the scope of his practice, so he referred me to a general surgeon. In keeping with the original diagnosis, my surgeon decided it would be best to remove the lump, because of how quickly it was increasing in size. Yesterday was the "big day". As I was prepping for surgery, getting my IV inserted and such, the surgeon decided he wanted to run the ultrasound machine over the lump and see what exactly was inside. What he found inside changed the whole game plan. Turns out the lump itself was a fluid-filled sick that was the result of many small tumors in the soft tissue of my middle back. The surgeon decided it would be best to drain the fluid and send it to the lab. Once we receive lab results, we will be able to determine what steps we need to take next. The doctor stated that, regardless of the outcome, these tumors will need to be removed through a fairly serious & invasive surgery that could damage muscles of my middle back and shoulder. It was also mentioned that this issue might be best dealt with by an oncologist at the UC Davis Hospital in Sacramento. Anytime the word "oncologist" is spoken, there is the assumption that the "C' word is present, which is enough to scare the bajeezus out of anyone.

I kept thinking all throughout the afternoon yesterday, and into the evening that turned into a sleepless night, that someone is trying to play a horrible April Fool's joke on me. This absolutely cannot be happening. What a rude awakening it is to go in for a seemingly minor outpatient surgery, only to find out that the course of your life could be changing forever.

During times like these, I find it helpful to refer to two of my favorite passages in the bible:

In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:6
With God, all things are possible. Matthew 19: 26

I know that the best I can do right now is lean on my faith to keep strong, and to put my life in God's hands, for He has a plan for each and every one of us.

Thank you to our friends and family for your support and prayers.