Jamaican Me Sick, and a Little Sad. (Picture-Heavy Post)

Our Jamaican Christmas vacation didn't turn out quite as planned, for a few reasons.  First of all, two days into the trip, I came down with a flu-like bug.  Fever, body aches, joint pain, etc.  Luckily, I was able to take some Advil to keep the symptoms at bay so we could still make the most of our time there.  But it was a bummer to be on this long-awaited (and expensive) vacation and not feel well. 

Second of all, as it turns out, when you run away somewhere to escape sad feelings, the feelings follow you.  Wow, what a revelation, right?  From a rational standpoint, I get that.  You can't run away from feelings.  But I guess I thought it would be impossible to be surrounded by sand and sunshine in a place that we've come to know as our "happy place", and yet still be sad.  Guess what?  It's totally possible.  The first night of our vacation ended with a long, tear-filled discussion about Virginia, and how completely different our lives are because her absence.  We are often able to talk about her from the perspective of how blessed we are for the time we did have with her, and how lucky we are to be her parents.  However, this was not one of those conversations.  Nonetheless, it felt good to have that time together, completely removed from the distractions of daily life, to reflect on our loss in a very real way.  The people sitting near us (we were sitting around a fire pit on the beach) probably thought we were having some sort of serious marital disagreement, and we got all sorts of weird looks ("Who comes to Jamaica to sit around and cry?").  Little did they know that quite the opposite was true.  Although we shed some tears over the missing piece in our lives, we also reflected on how grateful we are to have each other, and how much stronger our marriage has become as the result of facing such a devastating loss together.

Our trip wasn't a complete bust, though.  There were some great things that came out of this little getaway.  As usual, we met some amazing people while we were there.  In fact, we spent the remainder of our trip hanging out with one couple that we hit it off with immediately.  This is Kiki and the Monkey Man (also known as Staci and Joe). 

They're from upstate New York and they are AWESOME.  Staci is a social worker, so there was an instant bond between the two of us from the very get-go.  I opened up to her about our story (which I don't often do with strangers), and despite being pregnant herself, she was wonderfully compassionate and very sensitive to my situation.  We spent a few days hanging with them, relaxing on the beach, swimming in the ocean, and just sitting and talking.

I only wish I had pics of all 4 of us together.  

We also had a great time reconnecting.  We needed to come together again, in the absence of all of the "real life" struggles.  We needed time to just be us, and to remind ourselves why we fell in love and what we love about one another.  We spent time being goofy, joking around and laughing at each other.  We spent time crying, talking about how we had never imagined our life together would take the drastic turn it's taken over the last few months.  We talked about future plans and goals.  And mostly, we just enjoyed each other's company.  I think that's very evident in these pics:

(Totally cheesy, but I love it!) 

Here are some more pics:

 (The view from our room.  I did not mind waking up to this everyday.)

 The four of us deemed this little piece of coral our Christmas tree (which is why it's anchored standing up in the sand).  

And a few more panoramic shots:

Overall, I think we both agree that going away for Christmas this year was the best decision we could have made.  I only hope that the next big vacation we take is with our children, probably quite a few years from now, and that we're able to celebrate that time together under more happy circumstances.

Here's to hoping 2013 brings with it many holidays worth celebrating.

Vacation Eve

Christmas has taken on such a different meaning for us this year.  I remember the excitement and anticipation that typically surrounded Christmas as a child.  It was so fun and exciting and carefree then.  Just presents and Santa and family and food and fun.  But as I've gotten older, Christmas has changed.  The stress of buying gifts for everyone on my list, scrambling around and getting just the right thing, rushing to make an appearance at all of the parties and celebrations.  Much of the original meaning began to slowly diminish.   The gifts, although fun to give and receive, are not what's important.  What's important is family and spending time with those you love the most.  It's an interesting paradox this year.  Christmas is about family more than ever, yet here we are preparing to celebrate this holiday in the absence of both of our families.  Our idea of family has changed this year.  We are our own little family.  We always have been, but never has that been more clear than this year, the year we both expanded and then shrunk back down again.  For 9 months, there were three.  And now, we are back to two.  I don't quite know how to make sense of that, and Christmas this year serves as a solemn reminder of the major transitions that have happened within our own small family. 

For the first time in my entire life, I've been a Scrooge about the holidays this year.  Up until pretty recently, I didn't want to put up a tree, decorate, attend any Christmas parties, or even acknowledge this holiday, the first major milestone of many without our sweet daughter.  All of that changed when we started receiving some wonderfully thoughtful gifts from those close to us, a few of which are ornaments.  About two weeks ago, we decided to drag out our little Charlie Brown fake Christmas tree and decorate it with ornaments from our own childhoods, along with ornaments and gifts given to us for Virginia.  Here are a few pics:

 "The ones we love never truly leave us"

Tomorrow, we leave for the Caribbean, so I'll be off the grid for awhile.  Five days of sun, relaxation, and no worries.  Ya, mon. 

During the holidays this year, please remember to cherish each moment with those close to you.  Hold them close, tell them how you feel about them.  Be present in that moment and try not to get caught up in the chaos and stress.  And if you get a moment, say a little prayer for us and for others who find themselves struggling during this time of year. 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

Love and light,

Gratitude Project Post #5

I've come to realize over the last few months that successes can be small.  Tiny.  Minuscule, even.  I guess I'd call this Thanksgiving a success.  I made it through the day.  And it was not nearly as bad as I had anticipated.  It was even tolerable, thanks to the support of friends and family.  But there was something huge missing.  There was supposed to be 3 month-old in my arms.  She was supposed to be meeting her great grandparents for the first time.  She was supposed to be taking her first trip to Montana.  We were supposed to be thankful for this miraculous bundle of joy.  The holidays will forever feel empty without her.  Sure, we will celebrate and enjoy holidays with our future children, but there will also always be something missing.

This is where I am today.  Thanksgiving has come and passed.  And just as we have over the last 15 weeks, somehow, we survived.  That's something to be thankful for, right? 

Grandma Ginny and I.  Thanksgiving 2012

Easter Weekend Perfection

A few of my favorite things:


The beach

A beautiful sunset

A beautiful sunset on the beach

My Jack Russell nephews, Dodger and Bear

My husband (he's pretty great, but most of you already know that)

Hope everyone had a fabulous Easter!

One day (and one surgery) at a time...

Hello All,
I had such high hopes of writing post after post after post to make up for lost time. But I find that I am enjoying my time off so much that I haven't gotten to that. Although, I have lots of new info to share, as it's been a busy couple weeks.

First and foremost, a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my amazing stepmom, Karyn. Hope you have an absolutely wonderful day and an enjoyable week off!!!!

Well, I am officially finished with my first semester of grad school. One down, three to go. I have been tossing around the idea of going on to get my DSW (Doctorate in Social Work), because if I am going to do so, I have to start thinking about my thesis right now. Most schools only accept 7-10 students per year, so it's a highly competitive program. Although that thought is in the back of my mind, I can't get ahead of myself, because so much could change in the next 17 months. Summer 2011 is going to be a busy time, between Trevor's High School graduation, Mom & Jeff's 20th Wedding Anniversary, Mother's Day, and my birthday, which all fall within about 3 weeks of each other. I have been crossing my fingers that Trev's graduation and mine will not fall on the same day.

Moving along to other (not so great) news, I am looking at having to have a couple more surgeries in 2010, much to my dismay. No need to worry, both of these surgeries are outpatient and relatively minor, and not related in any way to the Great Lump Scare of '09. I thought 2009 was the end of the surgery business, but I was wrong. It's always something, right? Anyway, those of you who are familiar with my history know that I have bad sinuses. I've had two previous surgeries to fix structural problems, and my Ear, Nose, and Throat Doc is recommending one more to address some swelling and infection issues. I'm trying to get this one scheduled for January, so I can get it over with before school starts again. I also have to get a gum graft done sometime this year (might be pushing that one off until the summer). One surgery at a time, that's how I roll. ;)

Otherwise, we have been super busy around here getting ready for Christmas. Both Lori and Michelle will be joining us, in about 12 hours actually. We actually spent the better part of Sunday cleaning and getting everything ready. My wonderful hubbs, God bless him, spent about 8 hours helping me do an intense deep clean on Sunday. What a good man he is. :)

And with that, I guess I will wrap things up. Happy Holidays to all of our dear family and friends!!! We are so grateful to have you all in our lives!

It has been WAY too long!!!!

Hello Hello Hello!!!

After two months of no posts, I have reluctantly returned to the blog world. If not for the pestering of my loving stepfather, I would be on blogspot.com at this very moment deleting my blog all together. But for the sake of the one person I know who does read this, I suppose the least I can do is try to give him something to read about. :)


The holidays were a complete whirlwind for us. We flew down to South Carolina to visit the Groff's at their new digs. The weather down there was aboslutely beautiful (even borderline tropical). Here's a few pics from our trip:

The Groff's condo. The first floor is Lynn's salon and the upper two floors house the condo where they live. Talk about an easy commute!


The coveted Sunbeam Tiger, Lynn's new "toy". The boys had an absolute blast in this car! Okay, maybe the girls did too! :)

I'm pretty sure this was the single happiest moment of Pat's life. haha!

South Carolina is a unique and beautiful place! I always thought I came from the backwoods, but Montana's got nothin' on this place! The sunsets and scenery sure are beautiful though.



I think my mother will agree with me when I say, there's nothing like a pretty sunset!



We were able to spend a day down south in Savannah, GA, as well as an afternoon in Charleston. Looking back at the trip, I'm not sure how we crammed so much into only 6 days!

Battery Park In Charleston, SC. I'm in love with the beautiful, old colonial architecture.

A couple pics from Savannah.

Our trip went by so fast, I only hope we will have a chance to make it down again to visit in the near future.