Cycles

It's very well known among the literature on grief that the emotions that come with grieving are cyclical.  There are phases of immense sadness and despair, feeling hopeless and helpless and unsure of how to carry on.  I've been there.  Believe me, I've spent many, MANY hours lost in sadness in those early days and months.  There are also periods of acceptance and peace, not that the loss suddenly feels "ok", more that there's a sense of peace with this new reality and some of the silver linings and blessings that can come from having loved and lost become more apparent.  But between those two emotions, there's a lot of gray area.  A lot.  I've spent a lot of time in that gray area over the last several months.  And that's a good thing.  In the gray area, there is a little balance.  The gray area is manageable.  But like I talked about in one of my last posts, I'm easily set off these days, and before I know it, the grief feels as raw as it did in those early weeks, and I find myself escaping to my old standby--curled in a ball in the shower, sobbing uncontrollably.  All because the cat puked on the carpet, or I can't get Cami to quit fussing long enough to go down for a nap.  I'd like to say I've done all kinds of soul searching, working through emotions and trying to catch myself before I spiral.  But I'm not doing a very good job at taking some private time for myself these days.  Cami has become a busy, high-maintenance baby, and it's really sinking in now that my time is not my own anymore.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful, please don't get me wrong.  I'm just realizing that now more than ever, I need to work on myself, and make time to deal with my grief before it deals with me.  I'm not really comfortable going into more detail on here about what that will look like for me, but I wanted to put this all out there for any other loss moms who may be reading this, and/or for families or friends of loss moms.  The battle is never-ending.  It's been almost 19 months since Virginia was born, and the grief is still very fresh some days.  I have to say, I didn't imagine 18 months ago that at this point, I would still have these times that are so difficult.  And while I know this is pretty normal, I also know I don't want to reach my breaking point.  I owe it to Cami and Pat to do what's necessary to keep myself as physically and emotionally healthy as possible.  So I may be taking a break from the blog for awhile, to gather my thoughts, process some of my emotions, and regroup.

I'll be back, I promise.  I always come back.  :)

Love you all,