Gratitude Project Post #3

Over the last few days, I've been battling an internal struggle.  How is it possible that we could have anything in our lives to be grateful for after losing our daughter?  This just goes to show how up and down the grieving process can be.  I am often able to look at our experience and appreciate the ways our lives have changed for the better because of what we've been through.  But that's not where I'm at right now.  In fact, it's been almost a week since I last felt like that. 

Our lives have done a 180 over the last 13 weeks.  Everything in our lives has changed.  Every single thing.  Work feels eerily similar, yet completely different at the same time.  Our marriage has changed.  We have lost friends.  We have gained friends.  Even our house has a different feel to it.  It's so unfair that, not only do we have to mourn the loss of our daughter, but we also have to deal with all of the changes that accompany loss.  It's like someone takes your life and flips it completely on its head, and then, as the dust settles, you realize that nothing will ever been the same.  There is no way to pick up all of the pieces and put them together exactly as they were before.  Maybe you can come close, but now there are things that just don't quite "fit".  We may look the same from the outside, our lives look the same from the outside, yet we are totally different people now.  We will never go back to being who we were before.  In some ways, this is terribly sad.  But at the same time, we have a unique perspective now.  We are able to let the insignificant, petty aspects of our lives fall away.  We realize how short and fleeting life is, and how little time there is for things that don't bring us peace or joy or fulfillment.  We have a daughter who is always watching us, who we want to our live for.  We feel compelled to live our lives to the fullest, in honor of our daughter who will never have a chance to.  We appreciate the little things, like quiet time spent alone, a long walk with the dog, the beauty of nature. 

My love affair with sunsets continues.  Today, even as I struggle to find the positive in this heap of crap in which we've landed, I am grateful for the beautiful skyscapes.  On those days, like today, the deep ache in my stomach hurts so bad I can barely eat, and my arms feel both heavy and incredibly empty at the same time.  But when I look up at the sky and see something so wonderfully beautiful, I know that is a gift from my little girl, her way of saying, "Mommy, don't be sad.  I'm here with you every day."