Day 31: Sunset

Day 31: Sunset

Capture Your Grief Project

The Capture Your Grief project concludes with a sunset picture.  October 31st was a cloudy, overcast, yucky day here, and I was not really in the mood to be out of the house at that time of day, being that 10/31 is also Halloween.  So I decided to post the above picture instead, of Pat and I in Ventura Beach a few years ago.  I look back on older pictures now and wonder how we could've been so naive.  What if we had known the pain and hardship that we would face down the road?   Would we have done anything differently?  Some days I start spinning, thinking about all of the what-if's.  Maybe if I had done one small thing differently, my life would have taken a different trajectory and Virginia would be here with us.  Maybe if I had waited to get pregnant...  Maybe if I didn't eat so much sugar while I was pregnant...  Maybe if I hadn't exercised as much...  Maybe if I had gotten a 4-d ultrasound... 

But then I think about what my therapist said during our first appointment with her: we trick ourselves into thinking that we have control over every aspect of our lives.  We are so mistaken.  The most important things in life are those that we have absolutely no control over.  We can control so much: our education, our jobs, our finances, our relationships, the accumulation of all the material crap that we deem as important.  But we can't control life and death.  Realizing that is both liberating and terrifying. 

I'm not sure how I got off on such a tangent, or what any of this has to do with sunsets.  So kudos to you if you were able to stay with me for this entire post.  I'm so grateful I participated in this project and was able to share some of our grief journey with you all.  And to those of you who have commented on enjoying reading the blog, thank you.  Thank you for continuing to think about us and pray for us.  Thank you for being respectful of this place, this tiny corner of the internet that I've used to share some of my most personal thoughts and feelings.  Your support has meant so much to both of us. 

Coming soon, a new project for the month of November.  Stay tuned.