How we Spent Virginia's First Birthday

First of all, thank you to everyone who sent their thoughts, prayers, and Happy Birthday wishes on Tuesday.  Some of you sent texts and emails, some sent cards, some sent gifts and flowers.  Thank you for all of that.  As parents of a stillborn, it feels good to know that other people outside of our family were remembering her on this difficult anniversary.

The first thing we did that day was take a toy we had bought to the Shriner's Hospital for donation.  We decided at Christmas that we will buy a gift for Virginia that we would buy if she were here, and donate it to a charity, both around the holidays and on her birthday.  

Then, we were off to the beach.  Unfortunately, we didn't have the same kind of beautiful summer day as we did when we visited last time.  Although it wasn't cold, it was quite overcast and gray.  We thought maybe the fog and clouds would burn off, but they never did.  First, we had a picnic on one beach, and spent some time looking at Virginia's pictures that were taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  Pat took a little nap, and I sat quietly and prayed and listened to the ocean.   

 Then we moved onto the same beach where we spent so much time when we visited last year.

  

We couldn't help but feel like this was all very symbolic of our experience over the last year.  When we last came to this beach, it was a gorgeous day.  The sun was out, the weather was warm, but not too hot.  There were people all around us swimming and laughing and playing, and really enjoying themselves.  Like them, we didn't have a care in the world.  We were so excited to be expanding our family in a matter of weeks.  We had that naiveté, that innocence and confidence that nothing could go wrong.  On this trip, everything was much different.  The beach was still beautiful, but in a much different way.  There were no swimmers or surfers out, and only a handful of people even sitting on the beach.  The people on the beach all seemed a bit hesitant, respectful of the water and how bad the conditions could be.  The sound of waves crashing was loud.  Alarmingly loud, in fact.  It seemed as if the ocean was trying to remind everyone of how powerful and destructive it can be.  That's very symbolic of life and our experience with loss and grief over the last year.  We know now that, as beautiful as life is, it can be painful at the same time.  It can completely pull you under.  We don't have that innocence and confidence anymore, because we've seen some of the "bad weather" days now.   

We had been seeing these beautiful pink flowers growing all over the place along the coast.  When we pulled into the parking lot at "our beach", we saw some growing on the other side of the highway, so we decided to go over and pick one.  

We took it over to our favorite little secluded spot on the beach, and, in our own little ceremony for Virginia, tossed it into the rough water.

By that time, we figured we should probably get back on the road.  It had already been a long, emotional day, and we still had a 2 hour roadtrip to get back home, in rush-hour traffic (the trip ended up taking almost 4 hours).  We were welcomed home by several cards, packages, and flower arrangements on our front porch.  So we ate a quick dinner and opened all of Virginia's presents.

Then we ate a quick dinner, had a slice of birthday cake I had baked, lit Virginia's candles, and hit the hay.  I don't recall the last time I was so exhausted (which is saying a lot, since I am pregnant).

Overall, the day just was.  I won't say it was good or bad.  It was another difficult milestone that we survived.

One Year

(*note: this may not work on mobile devices, so you may have to look at it on your computer)

My Lifeline

Never have I appreciated the value of genuine girlfriends more than at this point in my life.  I stop to reflect often on how therapeutic it's been for me to have had other women around me who have shared in a similar experience and understand what it feels like to not only lose a baby (or babies), but to also walk this scary road that is subsequent pregnancy.  These women have literally been my lifeline over the last year.  I cannot imagine where I'd be without them in my life.  We've laughed together and cried together.  We've spent hours talking about the babies that we lost and how soul-crushing and devastating grief can be.  But we've also talked a lot about hope for the future and for our rainbow babies.  We've done a lot of healing together.  And we've also given each other permission to fall apart again.  We all know how cyclical grief can be, and how sometimes, you need those around you to allow you to fall apart, and then to help you pick up the pieces again.  These girls have done that for me.

As we inch closer and closer to the one-year milestone of losing Virginia, I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the positive things her passing has brought into our lives.  These wonderful girlfriends are one of them.  I love all these ladies.

Lately...

I haven't written for a couple weeks because there hasn't been much happening that's worthy of writing about.   I'm off work for the summer until next Friday, so I've been keeping myself busy with cleaning projects around the house, working on Virginia's baby book, making a blanket for Baby Dos, and spending time with these little hooligans:

We are currently watching my brother's dog for a couple months while he's on vacation and getting himself situated in his new house in Montana.  I spend my days separating these two when they start rough-housing (this is good practice in playing referee, I'll have to take notes for future parenting endeavors). 

My main focus lately, though, is just trying to keep my anxiety at bay and my grief from overtaking my life again.  My brain is a whirlwind of emotions with Virginia's upcoming birthday along with the stress of entering into late pregnancy.  I was able to maintain a pretty stable emotional state over the last couple months, but lately, I find myself slipping back into my old anxious ways.  I'm in a state of disbelief that next Tuesday marks what would be Virginia's first birthday.  How is it possible that it's been a year?  How have we survived without her for this long?  And most importantly, how do I balance the grief that's very much still a part of my life, with the hope that this new pregnancy brings?  And how do I keep my brain from heading down that road of, "What if this happens again?"  I've had quite a few moments of panic over the last few weeks, worrying myself that something might be wrong with this baby, despite having the constant reassurance of her movement.  Even when there's nothing happening that would lead me to believe that everything isn't ok, I still panic every now and then, because, after all, things were fine with Virginia too...until they weren't.  

All of the fear and stress and anxiety mix to create the perfect storm.  And as is the nature of this beast, some days I feel fine and others, I can barely seem to function.  I have no idea how one goes about sorting out all the feelings, or which feelings are a cause or an effect of the craziness that's happening in my life right now.  It's like the proverbial chicken and egg question.  So needless to say, I'm back in survival mode, at least for the time being.  I have lots of appointments with my therapist, and am trying to do anything and everything to keep myself centered and grounded.

And when that fails, I take lots of naps.  :)