One day (and one surgery) at a time...

Hello All,
I had such high hopes of writing post after post after post to make up for lost time. But I find that I am enjoying my time off so much that I haven't gotten to that. Although, I have lots of new info to share, as it's been a busy couple weeks.

First and foremost, a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my amazing stepmom, Karyn. Hope you have an absolutely wonderful day and an enjoyable week off!!!!

Well, I am officially finished with my first semester of grad school. One down, three to go. I have been tossing around the idea of going on to get my DSW (Doctorate in Social Work), because if I am going to do so, I have to start thinking about my thesis right now. Most schools only accept 7-10 students per year, so it's a highly competitive program. Although that thought is in the back of my mind, I can't get ahead of myself, because so much could change in the next 17 months. Summer 2011 is going to be a busy time, between Trevor's High School graduation, Mom & Jeff's 20th Wedding Anniversary, Mother's Day, and my birthday, which all fall within about 3 weeks of each other. I have been crossing my fingers that Trev's graduation and mine will not fall on the same day.

Moving along to other (not so great) news, I am looking at having to have a couple more surgeries in 2010, much to my dismay. No need to worry, both of these surgeries are outpatient and relatively minor, and not related in any way to the Great Lump Scare of '09. I thought 2009 was the end of the surgery business, but I was wrong. It's always something, right? Anyway, those of you who are familiar with my history know that I have bad sinuses. I've had two previous surgeries to fix structural problems, and my Ear, Nose, and Throat Doc is recommending one more to address some swelling and infection issues. I'm trying to get this one scheduled for January, so I can get it over with before school starts again. I also have to get a gum graft done sometime this year (might be pushing that one off until the summer). One surgery at a time, that's how I roll. ;)

Otherwise, we have been super busy around here getting ready for Christmas. Both Lori and Michelle will be joining us, in about 12 hours actually. We actually spent the better part of Sunday cleaning and getting everything ready. My wonderful hubbs, God bless him, spent about 8 hours helping me do an intense deep clean on Sunday. What a good man he is. :)

And with that, I guess I will wrap things up. Happy Holidays to all of our dear family and friends!!! We are so grateful to have you all in our lives!

Inactive Duty

Hello All
I seem to have bounced back from my lazy phase. At least that's what the cinnamon rolls in the oven and perfectly clean house would suggest (I got up at 5:00am this morning to make them from scratch). I think in part, my lack of motivation has had a lot to do with my restrictions on working out. I had to make an impromptu visit to the orthopedic surgeon last week after finding a bump on my shoulder, at the very tip of where my scar is. When we went down to visit my brother over the holiday weekend, we spent a majority of the weekend in the pool. The doctor had no problem with me playing in the pool, but he did have a problem with me playing volleyball in the pool. Luckily, the bump is just scar tissue. But before I found that out, I had to sit through a pretty harsh lecture. The doc reminded me that I've just had a major, invasive surgery, and even though I'm young, I still need to give myself another 4 weeks for my body to bounce back completely, otherwise I'm going to undo everything I've had done and end up back in the Operating Room.
::gulp::
I am officially on "inactive duty", meaning no exercise except walking until August 15th. I didn't realize just how active I was until I totally lost the ability to do the things I want to do. I miss lifting weights, using the elliptical machine, and doing situps. And I miss having a somewhat toned stomach and arms. But I don't miss these things enough to compromise my body and healing process. And that's what I just have to keep repeating to myself when I hear the workout room calling my name.

In other news, my dad and stepmom will be spending a few days with us starting tomorrow. My dad is in Reno for a work-related trip, and decided they would drive the extra couple hours to come down and see us. Since this will be their first trip to Sac, we are SUPER excited to have them here!!!! We are planning a dinner at our favorite local restaurant/brewery as well as a day trip up to Tahoe. I'm off to Portland for the weekend next Friday, and then we will be headed back to Montana for a week in the end up July. Lots of fun stuff in the next few weeks. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Free & Clear

Finally finally finally, I am happy to announce that I had my very LAST lump-related doctor's appointment today!!!! I saw my orthopedic surgeon today, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I would not recognize him if I saw him walking down the street. I felt like I was meeting him for the first time today, being that he was never a part of my case until Dr. Khatri had me in the Operating Room. He apparently was in to check on me while I was in recovery, but anesthesia drugs prevented me from remembering that. Anyway, he instructed me to avoid circuit training for 4-6 more weeks (boo), and keep a thick coat of sunscreen on my scar anytime I am in the sun for the next year (yikes). But otherwise, I am good to go!

I also just spent about 30 minutes on the phone with his nurse, getting referrals for primary care doctors as well as helpful suggestions for what to do about some of my recurring health problems (mainly sinus infections). She was more helpful than I could have ever hoped for! Getting some inside info from her on how to address some of my medical issues helped take the sting off the fact that I spent 2+ hours this morning, waiting in the office to be seen by my doctor. Just goes to show that a good nurse can make all the difference.

::insert a shout-out to my awesome cousin Corrine, who is no doubt the best nurse there is in the ICU at Billings Clinic!!! ::

I hope to not have to waste any more of my valuable time in doctor's offices or waiting rooms for a long time to come!

WARNING: Graphic Images!!!!!

**Disclaimer: This post contains images that may not be suitable for all audiences (i.e. those who have a weak stomach). View at your own risk.**

I wanted to post a few pics of exactly what my incision and drain site look like, for anyone who might be interested. If anything positive has come out of this whole ordeal, it's that my sensitivity to pain, needles, blood, and other medically icky things has decreased drastically. I am actually fascinated by the mechanics behind this whole operation (no pun intended), and I figured that there must be others out there who feel the same. So here are a few pics.

Proceed with caution!!!!!

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Last chance...

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This picture was taken on 5/31. At this point, the drain was in place (although I forgot to photograph the bulb into which the drain empties) and the incision is held together by one large steri-strip. ((This picture is of the left side of my back, under my shoulder blade. And that thing on the left side of the picture is my left arm. I realized after the fact that this pic might be hard to make out if you don't know what you're looking at.))

((This picture is the same area of my back, slightly hunched over.))

This picture was taken this evening (please excuse the formatting issues). Although the stitches were removed today, the steri-strip is still in place to hold the skin around my incision together. The drain was also removed today, which was a far more painful process than I was expecting. Yikes! I spent the majority of the day after my appointment resting on the couch, reading, and popping pills to ease the aching/throbbing pain. I am very relieved to be done with the drain!!! I feel so liberated, knowing that I no longer have to walk around at work with my drain clipped to my clothing in a professional office environment or worrying that I'll snag it and begin "The Great Blood Flood, Part II".

Considering all I've been through in the last few weeks, I feel as if today was a huge milestone, and we have so much to be grateful for. God is good.

Home Sweet Home

I am pleased to announce that, upon breaking my personal record for the most nights spent in the hospital (something I am NOT very proud of), I was finally discharged today!

I have mixed feelings about being home. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I want is to "donate" more to the money making venture that the healthcare industry has become. But the nightmare of Friday evening/night replays over and over in my head, and I am not sure that I have the emotional (or physical) strength to go through that again. I trust my doctor's judgement, but I also have my reservations, being that the physician's assistant told me not to worry when the "Great Blood Flood" first began on Friday night.

So I guess it's time to update on the events that transpired to get my doctor to sign my discharge orders. I had a contrast scan last night (man that iodine shot is one crazy sensation!), and the results looked normal, meaning there were no hematomas or clots. They had again restricted my food and water intake after breakfast yesterday, so I was allowed to eat again at about 9:00 last night, as surgery was ruled out indefinitely. Praise the Lord!!!

This morning my doctor did his rounds with his "posse" (UC Davis is a teaching hospital, so there are about 7-8 doctors, including residents, that travel with Dr. Khatri). He made the decision that he would start to transition me off of IV pain medication, and send me off with a prescription for Folic Acid and Iron to help replace some of the lost blood. Transfusion was officially ruled out because my numbers increased slightly and stabilized in my blood draws taken last night. I have struggled for most of the day with pain management. I find that the pain is significantly worse now than it was during the first go-around.

So here I sit with about 5 different medications, again laid-up on the couch. I detest living on the 3rd floor right now, being that I have to stop and pause after each flight. My doctor has recommended that I get up and walk around a little bit, but at the risk of passing out and falling down the stairs, the only walking I'll be doing is laps in my apartment. Ugh. I don't ever recall feeling this exhausted.

I am so grateful that we reacted the way we did, and went to the ER to get the care I needed. But it also feels like a huge setback. After having done everything right, it's so frustrating to be in this position again. Who would think that a small snag would cause such a major problem?

We're really hoping that this will be the last blog update on "the lump" for awhile. But as we have learned, life can be very unpredictable.

Hope you all had a better weekend than we did. :)

Murphy's Law=My New Life's Mantra

Hello all.

I'm writing this post from a hospital bed, because, as some of you know, I was admitted to the hospital again on Friday night. I was feeling really good on Friday (maybe a little too good actually), and as I was up and around, I snagged my drain tube on our doorknob. There was no pain associated with the snag, but the clear fluid that had been draining turned quickly to bright red. At about 9:00, blood started gushing out of my drain site (where the drain is stitched into my body). We rushed to the ER and I was admitted a couple of hours later.

Friday night was hands-down the worst night of my life. They had put a pressure dressing on my drain sight, and I bled through it in a matter of hours. I did not sleep more than about 45 minutes total, because of the constant poking and prodding, blood draws, and having to have my drain emptied constantly. I was bleeding 100cc of fluid ever 1 1/2-2 hours. At one point the nurses started talking about blood transfusions, and I had one specific blood draw to get my blood typed and was told to be prepared for the possibility of having to have a transfusion. Very scary. Luckily, my doctor was on-call yesterday, and he came in first thing yesterday morning. He suggested that we wait to see if the bleeding slows on its own, as he would prefer not to do surgery. (FYI, surgery would involve opening the site up to find the bleed and put a suture in the bleeding vein.) But that meant no food or drink all day yesterday. At about 7:00 last night, my hemoglobin were stable enough that they scrapped the surgery idea (at least temporarily) and allowed me to eat dinner. I have never tasted such a delicious meal in my life!

Last night went a lot more smoothly. I was still woken up every few hours, getting blood drawn and my vitals checked. But the bleeding has slowed significantly. Unfortunately, my hemoglobin levels dropped slightly overnight and those levels are holding right around 8 (12 is normal). So the next step is to do a CAT scan to make sure there are no hidden bleeds or clots. There's also a strong possibility that I will need a couple units of blood, as I'm feeling pretty weak and exhausted.

My brother came up from southern CA to be with us yesterday. I feel as if my poor hubbs has to bear the burden of dealing with all of this by himself, so having Cody here is helping immensely.

Thank you all for your continued support. I'll update again when I have more info.

I'm a Big, Fat Liar

I broke my promise about posting yesterday afternoon, and for that I feel terrible. I will tell you all what I've been telling Pat since I got home from the hospital. I simply cannot be held responsible for anything that may come out of my mouth while under the influence of narcotic painkillers. And I do have a valid excuse for dropping the ball yesterday, I really do. There was an epic battle raging in my stomach between caffeine and painkillers. For future reference: Coffee+Oxycodone=worst nausea EVER!!! I will be steering clear of the caffeine for the duration of my recovery time.

Anyway, on to the good stuff. Let me preface this by saying that I love love love my doctor. He's sensitive to my needs and was able to give my condition the urgent attention that was needed to move the process along. That being said, I had a terrible hospital experience.

My surgery went well, just not exactly according to plan. An orthopedic surgeon had to be called in once my surgeon opened me up and found a quarter sized bone spur connected to my scapula. So that had to be shaved off, and my whole shoulder blade had to be moved out of the way to remove the cyst. I came out of surgery with quite a few stitches and a drain attached to a tube that goes into the incision. For this reason, my doctor decided it would be in my best interest to be admitted, at least for the night. The only problem was that he wanted to put me on the Oncology Floor (with the rest of his patients), and there were no rooms available. So I spent in excess of 12 hours in multiple recovery rooms, waiting for a room to open up. I find it ironic that they would call such a place a "recovery" room, because between the beeping of machines, hustle and bustle of nurses, and the woman next to me complaining constantly, there was absolutely no recovery taking place during that time. The only way to "recover" in such a place is to be unconscious. And sadly, most of the people in that room were. So, I did what any drugged-up, frustrated person in my situation would do. I bawled my eyes out. Luckily, not long after that, I was admitted to my room.

The fun doesn't end there, however. I ended up in a room with a girl about my age, whose boyfriend was coming and going late into the night. Even when he did finally leave, she spent a good hour arguing on the phone with him. And they must not have gotten the memo about the restriction on cell phone use in patient rooms, because both of their phones were ringing constantly. I was already struggling with sleep because the morphine drip made me itch worse that I ever imagined possible (talk about an itch you can't scratch). But I made it through the night and begged my doctor to release me the next day. After taking me off the IV meds and stabilizing me with oral painkillers, I was finally able to go home.

With the help of my wonderful mother and amazing husband, the next few days went fairly smoothly. Pat has been sleeping on the couch with me every night since I got home from the hospital, waking me up every 4 hours to take my meds, and helping me to the bathroom. And my mother, God bless her heart, did all of my laundry, cooked a few meals, and vacuumed. I was NOT happy to see her leave on Monday.

But alas, the healing process has begun, and I find that I feel just a little bit better each day. Last night, for the first time, I was able to sleep for almost 5 hours straight! I had the first of 2 post-op appointments today. My surgeon felt it would be best to leave the drain in place, as my incision is still producing quite a bit of fluid. I will be going back next Thurs to get the drain removed, as well as my stitches. I have quite a bit of nausea that comes in waves and hits like a ton of bricks. But it usually subsides on its own with no vomiting involved (minus the incident halfway through this post where I had to run to the bathroom and release the contents of my stomach into the porcelain god). My doctor thinks this is just the result of prolonged use of Percocet, and he is keeping a close watch to make sure this doesn't turn into a regular thing.

I also got the final report from Pathology today. They had sent the entire mass of fluid, along with the piece of bone, to the lab. Their firm diagnosis is a bone cyst. Dr. Khatri used a fancy medical term for it, but I cannot remember what the word was. It is completely benign, and the only thing they're concerned about is the very small chance that it could come back. All in all, that's a diagnosis that we couldn't be more pleased with. It's been a tiring road to this point, but we finally made it! I was telling one of my girlfriends that I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, literally and figuratively. ;)

And with that, here are a few pics taken over the last week. ((Please ignore the terrible condition of my skin. I tend to have nasty, stress-induced breakouts, and due to recent events, this one is a doozie.))

My beautiful flowers!

The bouquet on the left is from my grandparents and aunts & uncles (thank you all, they're GORGEOUS!), and the pink roses are from my daddy. :)

My mom & I. I cannot put into words how comforting it was to have her here.

This is how the cat and I have taken to sleeping. She's such a little cuddlebug when she wants to be. And she is enjoying every last minute of my days spent at home.

In closing, I want to thank you all for taking this crazy roller coaster ride with us. It is your love and support, along with the strength and grace of God, that have gotten us through this.

Pre-post to the "Big" Post

I'm working up to writing my big post with my surgery update. I promise. I've been under strict orders to wear my sling anytime I'm not in bed (how does one type with a sling on??), so typing has been nearly impossible. Couple that with the fact that Percocet does a number on my stomach, and my ability to think clearly, and you can understand why it has taken me so long to work up the energy to sit at the computer desk and write the long-awaited entry for my loyal readers. But please know that it is coming. Soon.

I'm Alive.

Just wanted everyone to know that I made it home last night after 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. I'll write more later, when I'm feeling more coherent and less fuzzy. We've been totally inundated with emails, phone calls, texts, and myspace messages. Thank you all for your love and support!!!! We are truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.

In (Not-So) Loving Memory of My Lump

Dear Lump,
I am afraid that this is my final farewell. Your days of being poked and prodded are over. We have dealt with some trying times together, both good and bad. But your fate has been decided, and you will be meeting your maker (in the form of an oncologist holding a scalpel) in a matter of hours. I hate to say it, dear lump, but I feel as if my life will be richer without you. No more will I have to worry about the embarrassment you bring me, and no more will I fear that others are gossiping about the young lady with the lop-sided hump back. May you rest in peace, you selfish jerk.

And We Have a (Likely) Diagnosis!!!!!!

The doctor's office just called to give me the lab results.

::Drumroll, please::

And the mystery lump is... a CYST!!!!!!!! (Are you freaking kidding me, the surgeon could not have figured this out?????) I almost fell off my chair!!! All of this worrying, multiple doctor's visits, hundreds of dollars, thousands of dollars spent on the part of the insurance company (hello $2200 lab bill, thank God for health insurance) for a freaking cyst?!?!? This story seems to have such an uneventful climax.

Thank you Lord, for this wonderful day, for giving us the strength and grace to get through this, and for our wonderful friends and family, because their prayers have no doubt helped us pull through.

Four more days, and hopefully we can put this all behind us.

You'll never look at red Kool-Aid the same again!

Sorry I wasn't able to post sooner, I've been on the phone for what feels like all day, and then we had to go to the grocery store after dinner (which is my hubby's absolute favorite week night activity).

So the news is good. Really good actually. Turns out my oncologist thinks my general surgeon read the ultrasound wrong and there are no tumors at all!!! Just this giant, ugly, fluid-filled sack. But before I tell you that story, let me tell you this story. Let's do a play-by-play of what happened when my oncologist decided to do an impromptu biopsy of the "tissue" in my lump.

Pat: Looks at me and mouths "Should we tell him there's just fluid in there???
Me ::violently shaking head no:: (for fear of being one of "those" patients that tries to tell the doctor how to do his job)
Doctor does his whole spiel about what he's going to do with the freakishly long, clicky instrument that's meant to extract solid masses of tissue
Pat (going against my instructions, bad husband, tsk tsk): "Actually, we've had this biopsied and the fluid has been drained twice. The last time she got it drained was 3 weeks ago."
Doctor (half listening, half focusing on doing the biopsy and simultaneously getting squirted with the kool-aid colored fluid that comprises my bump): "Huh, look at that. There's no tissue in there, only fluid."

I only wish that there could have been some sort of gushing explosion ("This is why I now have a lazy eye") to add to the comedic element of this scene. But alas, I did not get my wish.

Now I realize that this makes my doctor sound like an idiot, but it wasn't entirely his fault. My surgeon coded my last procedure wrong (believe me, I have the EoB from my insurance company to prove it), which led my oncologist to believe that there might be tissue there to extract.

Anywho, he had told me earlier in our conversation that out of the 800-1000 new cases of Sarcoma per year in the U.S., he usually treats about 50-60 of those cases. And he is 98% sure that what I have is not cancerous. Just a balloon that continues to fill up with fluid.

So our next course of action is surgery (surprise surprise). It's going to be an exploratory-type surgery, being that my case is unusual and he is unsure about why this condition exists within my body. I believe he used the term "enigma" in reference to my case (::Randi curtsies::). My surgery is scheduled for next Friday, May 15th (aka my birthday, best day ever, the day the world was blessed with my presence, etcetra etcetra). The best birthday present I can imagine is a clean bill of health, so in my ways I am very grateful. As my doctor so wittingly stated, "I have a great present for you, a four inch scar and the memory of going under the knife on your birthday." Ah yes, methinks I will never forget my 24th birthday.

Recovering from the meltdown

I met with a few good girlfriends for coffee on Monday,and I was explaining to them how everyone keeps telling me how amazingly calm I have been throughout this process. Many a time I have heard people say, "How are you not freaking out???!?!?!". In the last few weeks, I've at a loss for words for what to respond to this. I guess it's because, deep down, I know that things will be alright. But if I would have thought a year ago that I would be in this position now, I would have for sure predicted myself to be the picture of stress and anxiety. What I realized talking to my girlfriends was that I have not let myself get emotionally involved because then that would mean that all of this is really happening. Consciously, I am aware of that, yet there is still is a slight disconnect. It feels like I am talking about someone else when I explain my situation to people. My girlfriend, Dee, reminded me (after having recently lost her grandfather to cancer) that I might need to make this real in order to fully prepare myself for the reality that I could be facing. I refuse to become pessimistic, but I do need to be honest with myself. Agreed, Dee. As hard as that was, you'll never understand how grateful I am that you were brave enough to tell me exactly what I knew but didn't want to hear.

So after 3 frustrating days of dealing with phone call after phone call to doctor's offices and our insurance company (and still no closer to a diagnosis than I was 3 weeks ago), it finally happened. And let me tell you, it was not pretty. Poor Pat walked in the door from work, only to find my bawling my eyes out on the phone with my mom. I spent a good couple hours sobbing, and a couple more holed up in the bedroom reviewing some of my favorite bible passages. Then the lovely hubbs took me to a Sonic for a creamslush (one of my favorite treats), and I instantly felt much better.

It felt oddly liberating to get that out of my system. Quite frankly, the meltdown served as the swift kick in the ass that I needed to realize that I need to advocate for myself in order to get a diagnosis and treatment. And surprisingly enough, the UC Davis Cancer Center called first thing this morning to set up an appointment with an oncologist (who is FOR SURE in our network, I already checked). I will be seeing a doctor on May 7th for a consultation, and they will be scheduling the surgery for removal shortly thereafter. (The San Francisco specialist is completely out-of-the-question because he is not in PPO network, and the receptionist informed me yesterday that I would have to wait until early/mid summer to be seen. No thanks.)

Finally, we are making some headway!

Positive energy, prayers, thoughts, you know the drill... :)

An Ultrasound Pic...

...and this is definitely not the kind of ultrasound picture I imagined to be carrying out of a doctor's office at this point in our marriage (if you catch my drift).

I went to see the surgeon for my post-op appointment yesterday, armed with a list of questions. I wanted to make sure we were pursuing the right avenues with the next doctor (i.e. determining FOR SURE whether these tumors are cancerous or not). He assured me that the doctor he is referring me to in San Francisco is a world-renowned orthopedic oncologist who specializes in dealing with sarcomas and other types of benign cysts. I voiced my concern over wanting to get this situation under control in the next five months, before grad school starts. He reminded me that my case is very rare (as many of the surgeons he consulted with had never heard of such a thing), and that it would be in my best interest to seek the best possible care for myself, regardless of the timeline.

Unfortunately, the best medical professional for dealing with my condition is not a preferred provider with our health insurance company, so now I'm in the midst of making phone call after phone call to my insurance company to try and obtain a pre-certification to be treated by an outside provider and therefore be covered at the higher level. Ugh.

In the meantime, here's a picture of my ultrasound.

The way the doctor explained it to us is that these tumors are going to be especially difficult to remove because of their placement below the muscle but on top of bone (my rib cage).

I can slowly feel the panic starting to set in. I've been fighting it for awhile, but I feel as if a meltdown is inevitable.

I still am encouraged by the fact that my doctor's speculation is that this is something benign and harmless. And I know that, whatever the following months may bring, with the grace of God, we will lean on our faith and get through this. I guess my anxiety stems from the fact that school starts in less than five months, and I was hoping to be done with this by that point. And don't even get me started about the financial aspect of this situation. Seeking the best possible care could cost us thousands and thousands of dollars (especially if our insurance decides to cover my treatment the outside provider level). I know, I know, you can't put a price on your health. But the fact of the matter is that obtaining the treatment I need could come at the cost of my continuing education. We absolutely cannot afford a huge hospital bill and grad school tuition. It's not even a possibility.

::Randi begins breathing into paper bag::

Keep those optimistic thoughts coming; I have a feeling we are really going to need them in the next few months.

A Drive-By

I don't have much time to write, since I'm working from home today. So I'm going to attempt to do what my fellow bloggers call drive-by posting. Just a few quick sentences with a longer update later.

My surgeon called this morning to let me know that, upon talking to some orthopedic surgeons at UC Davis, he has decided to refer me to a doctor at UC San Francisco. Apparently this doctor is one of the top drs in the world (yes, I said WORLD) for dealing with lumps and bumps of this nature. His specialization is orthopedic oncology. I'm really hoping that this doctor will be in our approved provider network, or that we can have the surgeon write a letter stating why I need to see this doctor so that our insurance will cover my care at the higher level.

::fingers crossed::

Waiting...still.

And the news on the home front is..............
No news until next week.

Yup. That's right. More waiting.

I called the doctor's office this morning, expecting to get my lab results. What I got instead:
1. The lab results are not in.
2. My doctor is on vacation for the whole week.

Apparently it is the practice of my surgeon's office that the doctors themselves are the only ones allowed to deliver pathology reports, so as to prevent the patient from receiving inaccurate results or misinformation. Makes sense, if you think about it.

While there are a few people in my life who are upset at the prospect of being in limbo for another six days (and rightfully so), I really could care less. My take on it: it is what it is. The results aren't going to change whether we find out now or a week from now. Besides, I would rather speak directly with my doctor, who is familiar with my case and who can immediately make the proper referrals. I would actually prefer that option versus the alternative:
(This is the hypothetical situation that plays out in my head)
Nurse/Receptionist/Whoeverelsegivestestresults: "You have X (disease, condition)."
Me: "Okay, so what do we do now?"
Nurse: "I'm really don't know at this point. The doctor will determine that when he comes back from his vacation."
This situation is an example of one in which I might not be so patient. I would hate to hear the results without an immediate follow-up from my doctor regarding what to do next.

So there you go. Yet another lesson in patience that God must feel I need. One of my old friends emailed me the other day with a simple message of encouragement, reminding me that God never puts more on our plates that he knows we are capable of handling. Thanks for the reminder Brit. :)

F.R.O.Z.E.N.

What a productive day I had today! I preoccupied myself with all kinds of activities to keep my body (and brain) as busy as possible. I did about 6 loads of laundry, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, and mopped the kitchen floor. I'm almost embarrassed to say that we hadn't cleaned since before my family came 3 weekends ago! So it was a much needed, deep clean. All day long, I've had all this crazy drive to get things done. Only when I stopped to sit and relax did I realize that my Energizer Bunny go-getter attitude today is really just the result of nervous energy. The pit in my stomach confirms it.

My mom called today to ask if I had followed-up with the doctor about my test results. I was told to call the office either today or tomorrow. The excuse that I made to her, and to myself, was that I was too busy today and that if I didn't hear from them by the end of the day, I would for sure call tomorrow. I even picked up my phone to dial the numbers, but I completely froze.

Once Pat got home from work today, I came to the conclusion that I haven't called because I wanted to enjoy my last 24 hours of "freedom", so to speak. My life could potentially change drastically with these test results, and all I wanted was 24 more hours to live my regular life. One more day to go about business as usual. So we enjoyed a long walk after dinner, and we're now relaxing on the couch, getting ready for our favorite night of TV. And for now, I'm pretending that tomorrow is just another day, not the day that could change things forever.

The Infamous Lump That's Taking Over My Life

I usually like to try and keep my posts light and optimistic. But I feel like I owe it to my faithful readers to be honest and upfront about an issue I have been dealing with lately. So I apologize in advance for the dreary tone of this post.

In November of last year, my doctor spotted a lump below my left shoulder blade. Judging by the size and texture of the bump. he diagnosed it as a lipoma (which is just a benign mass of fatty tissue). Here's a picture taken yesterday:

Because he was largely unconcerned about it, we decided to take the "wait and see" approach. In the following couple of months, hubbs and I noticed that the lump was growing and growing. Around the end of February, I decided to make an appointment with my dermatologist to get a second opinion. My dermatologist immediately decided that this medical issue was beyond the scope of his practice, so he referred me to a general surgeon. In keeping with the original diagnosis, my surgeon decided it would be best to remove the lump, because of how quickly it was increasing in size. Yesterday was the "big day". As I was prepping for surgery, getting my IV inserted and such, the surgeon decided he wanted to run the ultrasound machine over the lump and see what exactly was inside. What he found inside changed the whole game plan. Turns out the lump itself was a fluid-filled sick that was the result of many small tumors in the soft tissue of my middle back. The surgeon decided it would be best to drain the fluid and send it to the lab. Once we receive lab results, we will be able to determine what steps we need to take next. The doctor stated that, regardless of the outcome, these tumors will need to be removed through a fairly serious & invasive surgery that could damage muscles of my middle back and shoulder. It was also mentioned that this issue might be best dealt with by an oncologist at the UC Davis Hospital in Sacramento. Anytime the word "oncologist" is spoken, there is the assumption that the "C' word is present, which is enough to scare the bajeezus out of anyone.

I kept thinking all throughout the afternoon yesterday, and into the evening that turned into a sleepless night, that someone is trying to play a horrible April Fool's joke on me. This absolutely cannot be happening. What a rude awakening it is to go in for a seemingly minor outpatient surgery, only to find out that the course of your life could be changing forever.

During times like these, I find it helpful to refer to two of my favorite passages in the bible:

In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:6
With God, all things are possible. Matthew 19: 26

I know that the best I can do right now is lean on my faith to keep strong, and to put my life in God's hands, for He has a plan for each and every one of us.

Thank you to our friends and family for your support and prayers.