How we Spent Virginia's First Birthday

First of all, thank you to everyone who sent their thoughts, prayers, and Happy Birthday wishes on Tuesday.  Some of you sent texts and emails, some sent cards, some sent gifts and flowers.  Thank you for all of that.  As parents of a stillborn, it feels good to know that other people outside of our family were remembering her on this difficult anniversary.

The first thing we did that day was take a toy we had bought to the Shriner's Hospital for donation.  We decided at Christmas that we will buy a gift for Virginia that we would buy if she were here, and donate it to a charity, both around the holidays and on her birthday.  

Then, we were off to the beach.  Unfortunately, we didn't have the same kind of beautiful summer day as we did when we visited last time.  Although it wasn't cold, it was quite overcast and gray.  We thought maybe the fog and clouds would burn off, but they never did.  First, we had a picnic on one beach, and spent some time looking at Virginia's pictures that were taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  Pat took a little nap, and I sat quietly and prayed and listened to the ocean.   

 Then we moved onto the same beach where we spent so much time when we visited last year.

  

We couldn't help but feel like this was all very symbolic of our experience over the last year.  When we last came to this beach, it was a gorgeous day.  The sun was out, the weather was warm, but not too hot.  There were people all around us swimming and laughing and playing, and really enjoying themselves.  Like them, we didn't have a care in the world.  We were so excited to be expanding our family in a matter of weeks.  We had that naiveté, that innocence and confidence that nothing could go wrong.  On this trip, everything was much different.  The beach was still beautiful, but in a much different way.  There were no swimmers or surfers out, and only a handful of people even sitting on the beach.  The people on the beach all seemed a bit hesitant, respectful of the water and how bad the conditions could be.  The sound of waves crashing was loud.  Alarmingly loud, in fact.  It seemed as if the ocean was trying to remind everyone of how powerful and destructive it can be.  That's very symbolic of life and our experience with loss and grief over the last year.  We know now that, as beautiful as life is, it can be painful at the same time.  It can completely pull you under.  We don't have that innocence and confidence anymore, because we've seen some of the "bad weather" days now.   

We had been seeing these beautiful pink flowers growing all over the place along the coast.  When we pulled into the parking lot at "our beach", we saw some growing on the other side of the highway, so we decided to go over and pick one.  

We took it over to our favorite little secluded spot on the beach, and, in our own little ceremony for Virginia, tossed it into the rough water.

By that time, we figured we should probably get back on the road.  It had already been a long, emotional day, and we still had a 2 hour roadtrip to get back home, in rush-hour traffic (the trip ended up taking almost 4 hours).  We were welcomed home by several cards, packages, and flower arrangements on our front porch.  So we ate a quick dinner and opened all of Virginia's presents.

Then we ate a quick dinner, had a slice of birthday cake I had baked, lit Virginia's candles, and hit the hay.  I don't recall the last time I was so exhausted (which is saying a lot, since I am pregnant).

Overall, the day just was.  I won't say it was good or bad.  It was another difficult milestone that we survived.