Comparisons

I've had several people ask me over the last few months how this pregnancy compares to my last one.  To be honest, the pregnancies have been quite similar in terms of my body's response.  I felt a little worse symptoms-wise at the beginning of this pregnancy, and some of the more obnoxious pregnancy symptoms have come on a little bit earlier this time around.  But physically, I'm gaining approximately the same amount of weight, and started showing right around the same time.  If I had to guess, I'd probably say I'm carrying the same as well.  So I decided to open up my file of belly shots from my last pregnancy, and pull out a few to compare.

Here's 33ish weeks with Virginia:

 And 33 weeks with Baby Dos:

I don't see much of a difference, aside from looking a little rounder in my current pregnancy, but that could be because of the different angles.

In other news, we had a growth scan of our sweet little Baby Dos a couple weeks ago, to check on her size and look at the blood flow in the umbilical cord.  Everything came back perfectly, and we even got a shot of her sweet little face.  I immediately pulled out a picture of Virginia, to compare the two side-by-side.  They definitely have the same chubby little cheeks and button nose.

I sent the picture to my mom that night, and she commented that I have such beautiful little girls.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I have girls.
I have two daughters.
I am a mother of two children.
We are a family of four.

I hadn't thought about it in that way before.  I guess because it still doesn't feel real to me.  Even as I approach the end of this long journey of becoming a mom to a take-home baby, I can't fathom what it will be like to bring this baby home and care for her and watch her grow.  I still see myself only as a mom to a baby that didn't make it.  And try as I may, I don't know how imagine what my role will look like when I can bring a baby home to nurture and take care of.  Of course I'm already a mom, but that title will take on a whole new meaning in only about a month (33 days, in case anyone's interested, but who's counting??).

I bring this all up because I find myself making lots of comparisons these days.
Comparisons between pregnancies.
Comparisons between babies.
Comparisons between my role as a mommy to an angel and mommy to a living child.
Comparisons between the life I live now, and the life I imagine I'd be living if Virginia was here.
All of these comparisons are a blessing and a curse.  I feel like my experience with losing Virginia has prepared me to become the best mother I can be, and for that, I'm very grateful.  But I miss my life before, the life that didn't have a dividing line drawn in the sand between the person I was before and the person I am now.  Randi before the devastation and Randi after.  I often drift off and daydream, wondering how different life would be if Virginia was here.  Or how much happier and more excited I might be about this pregnancy if this was my first go-'round, and I never had to experience the nightmare that was my life one year ago.  I can't seem to find any middle ground lately.  I'm either stuck in still grieving over Virginia while forgetting (or maybe even being in denial) that I'm pregnant with her little sister, or completely engulfed in all of the "new mommy" stuff.  I struggle to figure out where I "belong" in my role as a mom.  I'm certainly not new to the pregnancy experience, so in that sense, I'm not a first-time mom.  But I also have no idea what it takes to care for a newborn, so in that way, I feel very inexperienced.

I don't know how to fuse these two different parts of myself.  How do the grief and excitement coexist?  How can they both be integrated into a situation that's fraught with contradictions?  I guess this is all part of the journey.  Life seems to be adamant about teaching me many lessons I didn't ever know I wanted to learn, one of them being that there are sometimes no easy answers to these kinds of questions.

So even though this journey through pregnancy is quickly coming to an end, I'm still constantly reminding myself to stay in the moment and continue to take things day by day.  And to breathe.  To relax.  To have hope.  To continue to allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling.  And to remember that it's ok to not always have all the answers.