The "Normal" Life

Eight months ago,  I never thought I'd feel normal again.  I didn't even know what normal was anymore.  The thoughts running through my head and the crazy rush of emotions made my feel like I was the complete opposite of normal.  Insane?  I don't know if that's the right word (although my therapist may beg to differ in reference to one specific instance where hospitalization was mentioned).  Irrational?  Certainly.  Maniacal?  Sometimes.  Unhinged?  Without a doubt.  Unbalanced may be the best way to describe my state of being.  I still feel very unbalanced 90% of the time.

But over the last week, I've noticed a shift.   Let me start with a little back story.  Pat bought me a fancy new computer as an early birthday gift (and anniversary, and Christmas).  It's an IMac and it's AWESOME.  We've only ever owned PC's, so there's been a steep learning curve for both of us in figuring out how to operate a Mac.  Once all of our files and pictures were transferred, I began to do some exploring and ran across Photo Booth.  We played around with the different settings and took several pics of ourselves (most of which are far too embarrassing to share here).  We laughed until we cried at some of the distortions.  We made silly faces, and forgot about the sadness of our loss and the fear of what's to come.  We were just there, in that moment, with each other.  

This morning, I awoke early to get myself showered and ready for church.  I booted up the computer, to mess around for a bit, and decided to look at the Photo Booth pics from a few weeks ago.  That's when it hit me.  These pictures represent the first time I've felt normal, like myself, in months.  The smile on my face in these pics is genuine.  After months of faking so many smiles and laughs, I lost count, it feels good to have these moments of genuine happiness.  

I had to share this one, because Pat loves how he appears as just a floating head in the background (ha!).  

Grief is so cyclical.  Moments of happiness are torn down by intense, all-encompassing sadness.  Eventually you pick yourself up and resume a reasonable level of functioning.  Emotions stabilize and life feels manageable again.  Then the fear and despair come sweeping in again, without reason or warning.  And the process starts all over again.  I won't say things have gotten easier, because this process is anything but easy.  But I've gotten so used to the grief being a part of my life that I still expect to have bad days.  The difference is, I also expect to have some good days.  I need those good days to remind me why I'm still here, still fighting this battle.  I have a marriage that's stronger than ever, and a child growing inside of me that needs a mommy who can smile and laugh.  I have experienced more than enough sadness and pain.  Now it's time to let the good feelings back in.

"The wheels just keep on turning,

the drummers begin to drum,

I don't know which way I'm going, 

I don't know which way I've come."

~Coldplay "'Til Kingdom Come"