I thought today would be a fitting day to make this announcement, as today marks the 8 month anniversary of Virginia's passing, and I truly believe she had a hand in this.
Introducing...
Baby Dos, due 10/16/13
To answer all of the questions we typically get when we tell people we are pregnant again, no, we are not ecstatic. Yes, we are grateful to have another shot at this, to have the opportunity to have a baby we can bring home to raise and love. Overall, we are terrified, but optimistic. Yes, this was planned. And yes, we will be finding out the sex sometime in the next month or so.
As if the grieving process is not complicated enough, this pregnancy has added a whole new layer of conflicting feelings. Excitement about being able to give Virginia a sibling. Sadness over the fact that this baby would not exist had we not lost his/her older sister. Overwhelming fear that this pregnancy is going to end in heartbreak. Extra anxiety and stress over every little twinge, every potential sign that something might be wrong, every bad feeling, every nightmare. I've succumbed to the fact that I will be living in fear until this baby is alive in my arms. So far, I've had some days where the fear subsides, but it's always there, lurking in the back of my head, weighing heavy on my heart (fear and grief are similar in that way). This pregnancy is not fun and exciting and happy, like my pregnancy with Virginia was. This pregnancy is all about emotional sanity and survival (neither of which I'm doing very well with at the moment).
On the flip side, we are also optimistic. We have hope that Virginia is watching out for all of us, including the baby in my belly. I still cannot bring myself to imagine what it would be like to bring a baby home. My brain will not even go there. Does not compute. I will not be having a shower, or even buying anything for this baby until he/she is here safe and sound. I know that doesn't sound very hopeful, but in a way, it's been a blessing that I can't look too far ahead. With this pregnancy, I am aware of every single day of how lucky I am to have this life growing inside of me. Every day I thank God for this baby being alive. I don't know how long this pregnancy will last, or that it will result in a baby we can bring home, but I do know that I will take NOTHING for granted this time. I will appreciate every single moment I can, because I don't know when it could all end. I will continue starting my sentences with, "If this baby comes..." instead of "When this baby comes..." because the truth is, tomorrow is not guaranteed. What matters now is this day, this exact moment, not the past or the future.
Today has been 8 months since we lost our daughter. And today, I am 13.3 weeks pregnant with a baby that would have never been conceived had it not been for Virginia. Today, I am appreciating this very moment right now, because right now is all we have.
5 comments:
I am so hopeful and will pray that everything goes very well. I also pray for peace for you and Pat.
I love the ultrasound picture :)
Thank you, Kendra. We will take all the prayers we can get!
Randi, thank you for sharing this with us! I will be praying for this little one and for you and Pat during this time. Xoxo
You all are always in my thoughts and prayers. Love and positive energy for you and the new baby on the way. Virginia is always in my thoughts, and I'm sure she is watching over you all very closely. Love to you!
I honestly thought I had already replied to this, but I had to take a moment and say that I am so happy for you two! I started reading your blog months ago, but this post stuck out to me. It resounded to my very being.
I had a first trimester missed miscarriage (that in no way I would even begin to suggest is the same as your loss). But still, every word of this post, made me feel like I could have written it myself when I was pregnant with my Rainbow Baby.
I don't think there was even one moment during my pregnancy, that I said, "When he gets here - ", it was always "if". I was scared even during a non-complicated delivery. Even during pushing I was scared my body would fail me in the last moment (though it's strange how we only have the upmost empathy for loss Mom's - never even thinking of putting fault with them, or their bodies; but oh-so-easily blame ourselves for that same loss, hating and being disappointed with our bodies like never before).
I know the extraordinary miracle it is, to have my son born alive and healthy. And I only have prayers that your Rainbow Baby arrives healthy, too! And lastly, I am so joyed at your post about genuinely smiling lately - only a Rainbow Baby seems to give us loss Mama's a kind of smile that we haven't had since our Angelbaby(s).
Many blessings!
(and sorry about the wall of text)
TB user "katigox"
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