Seasons Changing

The weather here in Northern California does not suck (at least not during this time-of-year).

The in-between seasons are my favorite here.  Fall and Spring.  Fall brings with it beautiful colors and cooler air (which we practically beg for after dealing with the dessert-like heat from May until September).  And with Spring comes one of my favorite parts of living in this area: blooming cherry trees!  Every Spring since we've lived here, I've watched in fascination as the cherry tress which have lied dormant all winter slowly develop buds and then burst into beautiful, full trees with incredible pink blossoms.  I have folders full of pictures of cherry blossom trees for every year that we've lived here.  Photographing them is one of my favorite pastimes.  You can imagine my excitement when we moved into our new house and discovered that we have a huge one smack dab in our front yard!  And it's blooming as we speak.  

We also have an almond tree in the backyard (at least that's what I think it is).  Beautiful huge, white blooms that remind me of cotton balls, or the look of trees in Montana after a late-season snow.  

 (even the dog loves it!)

Here's a few other plants that are blooming in our yard right now:

For the last 5 years since we moved here, I have lived for this time-of-year.  I look forward to seeing all of the beautiful trees and flowers blooming again after a few months of dreary winter weather.  This Spring is different.  Bittersweet.  Every season that passes since we lost Virginia reminds me that another 3-month time period has passed without her.  Summer to Fall.  Fall to Winter.  Winter to Spring.  In a few short months, we will be in the Spring to Summer transition.  We will come full circle, back to the season in which we both met her and said goodbye to her.  

The 6-month milestone was hard on me.  Almost a month later, I'm still recovering from the emotional toll that took.  Pretty soon we will be approaching the time period where we've lived longer without her than we had with her.  And then we will be creeping up on a year.  I need a "pause" button, for my life and for my grief.  Too many things are happening and life is moving too quickly.  I am moving on too quickly, without her.  I never in a million years thought I would say that I long for those early days, because of how difficult they were.  But I do.  I miss feeling close to her.  That deep grief connected me with her.  And to some extent, it always will.  The grief is still there, but I find myself rushing through my days now just living with the grief, not stopping to fully feel it anymore.  Please don't misunderstand, the feelings that I have right now are not feelings of guilt, but rather feelings of longing for the closeness I once felt with my daughter.  The closeness dissipates as we move farther away from the day she left us, as the grief becomes less intense and life moves forward.  My days are tolerable, some even enjoyable now.  And I am grateful for that.  I guess I'm just struggling with finding the balance in remembering and honoring her, while moving forward with my life and my future, throughout all of the transitions we are facing now and will face in the future.  This must be what they mean when they say that you find your "new normal".  Some days, I think we've got that down, and others, I feel the pendulum swinging too far toward the future.  And I don't know how to handle that.  

We are almost 7 months out from losing Virginia Skye, winter is turning to spring, and I'm more confused now than I've ever been.