Recovering from the meltdown

I met with a few good girlfriends for coffee on Monday,and I was explaining to them how everyone keeps telling me how amazingly calm I have been throughout this process. Many a time I have heard people say, "How are you not freaking out???!?!?!". In the last few weeks, I've at a loss for words for what to respond to this. I guess it's because, deep down, I know that things will be alright. But if I would have thought a year ago that I would be in this position now, I would have for sure predicted myself to be the picture of stress and anxiety. What I realized talking to my girlfriends was that I have not let myself get emotionally involved because then that would mean that all of this is really happening. Consciously, I am aware of that, yet there is still is a slight disconnect. It feels like I am talking about someone else when I explain my situation to people. My girlfriend, Dee, reminded me (after having recently lost her grandfather to cancer) that I might need to make this real in order to fully prepare myself for the reality that I could be facing. I refuse to become pessimistic, but I do need to be honest with myself. Agreed, Dee. As hard as that was, you'll never understand how grateful I am that you were brave enough to tell me exactly what I knew but didn't want to hear.

So after 3 frustrating days of dealing with phone call after phone call to doctor's offices and our insurance company (and still no closer to a diagnosis than I was 3 weeks ago), it finally happened. And let me tell you, it was not pretty. Poor Pat walked in the door from work, only to find my bawling my eyes out on the phone with my mom. I spent a good couple hours sobbing, and a couple more holed up in the bedroom reviewing some of my favorite bible passages. Then the lovely hubbs took me to a Sonic for a creamslush (one of my favorite treats), and I instantly felt much better.

It felt oddly liberating to get that out of my system. Quite frankly, the meltdown served as the swift kick in the ass that I needed to realize that I need to advocate for myself in order to get a diagnosis and treatment. And surprisingly enough, the UC Davis Cancer Center called first thing this morning to set up an appointment with an oncologist (who is FOR SURE in our network, I already checked). I will be seeing a doctor on May 7th for a consultation, and they will be scheduling the surgery for removal shortly thereafter. (The San Francisco specialist is completely out-of-the-question because he is not in PPO network, and the receptionist informed me yesterday that I would have to wait until early/mid summer to be seen. No thanks.)

Finally, we are making some headway!

Positive energy, prayers, thoughts, you know the drill... :)