We are currently watching my brother's dog for a couple months while he's on vacation and getting himself situated in his new house in Montana. I spend my days separating these two when they start rough-housing (this is good practice in playing referee, I'll have to take notes for future parenting endeavors).
My main focus lately, though, is just trying to keep my anxiety at bay and my grief from overtaking my life again. My brain is a whirlwind of emotions with Virginia's upcoming birthday along with the stress of entering into late pregnancy. I was able to maintain a pretty stable emotional state over the last couple months, but lately, I find myself slipping back into my old anxious ways. I'm in a state of disbelief that next Tuesday marks what would be Virginia's first birthday. How is it possible that it's been a year? How have we survived without her for this long? And most importantly, how do I balance the grief that's very much still a part of my life, with the hope that this new pregnancy brings? And how do I keep my brain from heading down that road of, "What if this happens again?" I've had quite a few moments of panic over the last few weeks, worrying myself that something might be wrong with this baby, despite having the constant reassurance of her movement. Even when there's nothing happening that would lead me to believe that everything isn't ok, I still panic every now and then, because, after all, things were fine with Virginia too...until they weren't.
All of the fear and stress and anxiety mix to create the perfect storm. And as is the nature of this beast, some days I feel fine and others, I can barely seem to function. I have no idea how one goes about sorting out all the feelings, or which feelings are a cause or an effect of the craziness that's happening in my life right now. It's like the proverbial chicken and egg question. So needless to say, I'm back in survival mode, at least for the time being. I have lots of appointments with my therapist, and am trying to do anything and everything to keep myself centered and grounded.
And when that fails, I take lots of naps. :)
And when that fails, I take lots of naps. :)
3 comments:
I think and pray for you a lot as it is, but it's been more so as we enter August. I know it's going to be a hard month. My loss was different than yours but I understand and feel for you. Birthdays and certain anniversary dates are so hard. Please know there are still people who keep you in our thoughts and prayers. XO
Love you ran.
Thank you, Kendra. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. One of my biggest fears throughout all of this is that Virginia will be forgotten. So it's nice to hear that others are remembering.
Amanda, much love to you, my dear.
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