Bereaved Mother's Day

Pat asked me a few days ago what I wanted to do for Mother's Day this year.  This year is so...different.  Last year he pampered me, showered me with gifts and tended to my every need all day.  It was very sweet.  Last year was full of so much hope about becoming a mother.  The focus was on the future, which I thought was pretty certain; in 2012, I was going to become a mom to a baby girl we would bring home and raise and love.  

This year, things are more complicated.  I am most definitely a mother, there's no question about that.  I carried a baby for 40 weeks.  I gave birth to her and she was beautiful and perfect.  She just wasn't alive.  

May 5th is Bereaved Mother's Day, a day that falls a week before the "traditional" Mother's Day to recognize those women who are mothers yet don't have their children here on Earth.  Bereaved Mother's Day feels much more appropriate for where I'm at in my life today, at this very moment.  Yes, I am optimistic that the little one cooking in my belly right now will finally be the baby we are able to bring home.  But that is 5 months in the future.  My brain functions differently these days, I've lost the ability to think that far ahead in any sort of concrete, tangible way.  As I've mentioned before, I spend much less time planning for the future in my head, and much more time being present in the moment.  My current reality is that I am the mother of a child that was lost too soon.  I am also the mother of a child that is yet to be born.  I don't know what exactly that means for a woman like me on Mother's Day.  But I do know that celebrating Bereaved Mother's Day feels right to me.  

Happy Bereaved Mother's Day to all my fellow grieving moms.  

Peace and love be with you all today.