Today, My Heart Hurts

I've felt the six month milestone creeping up for the last few weeks.  Slowly, the dark, heavy blanket of grief that I thought I had mostly shaken off began its descent back into my life.  As the days have passed, I've felt the weight of this milestone settling back onto my shoulders, not just emotionally, but physically.  Today I woke up feeling smothered.  I walked around with a lump in my throat for the better part of the afternoon. I was able to keep myself distracted for the morning with some positive things.  All afternoon, I tried my best to swallow the lump in my throat, but it was too late; by that time the grief had already settled in and made itself at home.  I became teary at least five times today, but every time I was able to pull it together and keep myself from unraveling.  The unraveling came on my way home from work.  I started sobbing and couldn't stop.  I cried hard for about an hour; sobbing, heaving, ugly, wet, snotty tears.  Patrick got home from walking the dog, and we watched Virginia's slideshow and looked at her photos for the first time since the week she was born.  We held each other and reminisced about that day, about the perfect features of Virginia that make her uniquely ours.  We speculated about what she would be like now, how big she would be, how long (and red) her hair would be, what her personality might be like.  And we talked about the unfairness of it all.  None of this makes sense.  Six months later, I expected to have some revelation about some greater purpose for losing our daughter.  Six months later, I have a new perspective, but I have no answers. I still wish she was here.  I'm still confused and angry.  I still miss my daughter with every fiber of my being.

Happy Six Month Birthday, Virginia Skye.  Mommy loves you so much.